All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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