Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Randomize