If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
