; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
