At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
