What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
