I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
