Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
