You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
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