I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Randomize
