I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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