She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
We named our party play list daddy issues
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
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