You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I'm just crazy horny about you
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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