My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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