he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
