The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
