ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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