when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Randomize
