Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Randomize
