I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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