maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Randomize
