Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
