Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
