a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
