did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
