she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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