my phone needs a breathalizer
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
