I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
