I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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