its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
