i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
We got so high we made milksteak
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
