i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize