I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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