You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
