today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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