This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Randomize
