apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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