True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
