Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
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