Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Randomize
