i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
