i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize