Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
pop tarts are not kleenex
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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