I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
You made out with two different species that night
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
