I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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