im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
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