Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
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