i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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