u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
