i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
