this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
My ATM looks so different sober.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
