If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
