i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
