Whatcha textin bout Willis?
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
