There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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