i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
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