I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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