So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
