if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
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