Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
