did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Help. Why am I so naked?
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