did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
