If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
So squirting runs in the family.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Randomize